A Lawyers account about Why the Client, “Cheats”.

Its 10 o clock at night. My phone rings. The caller ID is familiar. I have been asked to go and mediate on a guys “Cheating” spree between Girl X and Guy Y. I have been later accused of being guy Y’s Lawyer. Instead of mediator! As such, I have been kicked out of the mediation and the chille has raided my offices and raruad my practicing certificate. Good thing she didn’t forget and throw the baby out as well. It was necessary as a matter of political compromise, I supposed.

Mander, Rayner & Chrysostom Damn good Lawyers is a Registered Trademark of Mander, Rayner & Chrysostom Legal. Unauthorized use may lead to your peril as to costs and other incidental consequences.

I later came into the proceedings fully fledged as counsel for the accused, guy Y. “Lets now see what she will do.”

This is how it proceeded:

If it should please you, my Lady… This should please you my Lady. It must please you…My name is F.D. Otillio and in this matter, I appear for the accused.

My client pleads he didn’t cheat. It was mere texting. (Please not the (it) in this previous proposition.)

My Lady, these are circumstances where the complainant (the chic) needs to be cross-examined.

“Did you see him cheat?

So he didn’t cheat. Why are you jumping into conclusions bwana? If he looks you in the eye and says he didn’t cheat, he didn’t cheat. Did he?

You, why were you going through his phone?

So you don’t trust him? That’s why you went through his phone?

He was not paying attention to you so you went through his phone? Maybe it was work. Or his sister. Do you think that was reason enough to go through his phone?

You still went through his phone? You don’t think that was not called for?

Has he ever gone through your phone? Yes? No?

No?

Then why did you find it proper to go through his? It’s not like you stumbled upon the phone and saw the text coming in, did you? You sat down. You thought about it. You picked up his phone. Went straight to messages and started reading his otherwise private and personal messages, didn’t you?

Is the phone yours? Did you buy it together? Did you agree that the both of you would be sharing his phone? No? So the phone is his personal property, yes?

You do understand the meaning of personal, don’t you?

Do you have your own phone? Yes?

So what were you looking for in someone else’s phone? Ice-cream? His MPESA pin? ….

… and silence means?

So you were looking for his MPESA pin, yes?

What were you looking for?

You just wanted to see? See what? Pictures?  Videos? What?

Did you ask him for permission? No you didn’t!

Have you ever heard the saying, “when you look for something you will find it? …knock and it shall be open to you. Seek and you shall find?

So what were you looking for?

Have you found it? What you were looking for?

So why are you complaining? Why are we here? Wasting the Tribunals time??

Oooooh! So he has cheated?

Did you see him cheating? Did you find him cheating? Has anyone told you that he was cheating? Do they have evidence? Can they show us?

Then? Why do you think he was cheating?

You haven’t said he was cheating. So he wasn’t cheating. What do you call what he was doing?

Flirting!

Okay. You got me there.

Flirting is wrong only if it leads to something.

Has it led to anything? Has he told you that it has led to anything?

Do you trust him?

…then?

You want to say… that the day you managed to press yourself against him, in a way that wasn’t quite brazen but did allow you to brush your thigh against his legendary [th]ick… you had never seen it, but ever since you had your first independent confirmation of its existence… when you had danced with him at your first wedding… the thought of it had gotten you through some lonely nights?

 My client may admit that he was flirting with several other chics on his phone. He may further admit that you were never meant to see those texts but you did. But you also have to concede that you wee wrong.

The two wrongs therefore cancel themselves out!

My Lady, I have an application to make.

I ask for leniency and pray to make submissions on the following grounds:

Sometimes “flirting” shakes things up enough to make the couple declare that it is a committed and monogamous relationship. Sometimes guys “flirt” because the sex is inadequate or unfulfilling. Sometimes it happens because someone isn’t interested in sex, has low libido, etc, etc. In relationships where sex is healthy and ongoing and there are no sexually-based tension, “flirting” is out of the question. Although disastrous and a cannonball through the mid-ship of a relationship, this is a benign form of “flirting”. It’s a sign of stupidity, not thinking of the consequences, moral sloppiness. It was thoughtless “flirting”, moral bad behaviour. It was just for the sake of  fun. Everyones fun. They were not intimate. Intimacy is the glue of a primary relationship. He was not morally, intimately or otherwise, involved in this thing, My Lady.  If he was, it would have been an affair. It wasn’t. This, you can recover. He is a man filthy with charm, sawa. But NO! He has not betrayed you, sexually as well as emotionally and on an intimate level.  Not so yet, as you may think.

It hurts. He understands. You are innocent. It endangered the relationship. He loves you.

He is willing to completely divest himself from the “flirting”. He is willing to undergo limitless questions while you grapple to make sense of it all. He admits he was wrong. He is empathetic and he is willing to learn the true meaning of commitment. At least he knows how to be a man.

You should, and indeed, you must show some leniency toward him, my Lady!

…but if her ladyship is of a mind to reject this application upon the grounds so propounded, then, without prejudice for the above, my client pleads NOT GUILTY and puts it to you, to strictly prove all these allegations with respect, you level against him. My Lady.

My client further begs to raise the defence of mistake, and as such, wishes to state that as a matter of fact, he is not the one who jotted down those flirtatious texts. He further wishes to counter-complain that you violated his privacy and personal space  and that you are not at the least, trusting.

With your kind permission, if I may elaborate further, My Lady,

…my client shares mutual friends with his best friend, one MR; which mutual friends are all saved in my client’s phone book as Betty, Ruth and so on and so forth. etc.

Now, what happened is that my client’s best friend’s phone went off while he was chatting these chics up. His best friend then thought to use my client’s phone to text with these chics as he gave his (my clients best friend’s) phone an opportunity to charge.

My client’s best friend is single. He is allowed to flirt with as many unsuspecting chics as he likes.

What I am perfectly properly therefore saying my Lady is, that the flirtatious texts sent from my clients phone to other chics, and purported as well as it has been alleged,  to have been sent by my Client, are in fact not his texts since they were not by his hand, but by his best friends hand.

My client has three best friends.

That will be all, my Lady.

I’m not Religous. Am Spiritual.

It’s true that there are valid distinctions between the two, but there are also a number of problematic distinctions which often and unnecessarily divide the two fields of thought. One principal problem with attempts to separate religion from spirituality is that the former is saddled with everything negative while the latter is exalted with everything positive.

Religion is spiritual and spirituality can also be considered religious. One tends to be more personal and private while the other tends to incorporate public rituals and organized doctrines.The lines between the one and the other may often not be clear or distinct depending on the interpretation.

Religon and denominations are too dividing and they’ve caused too many wars.
I say, belive in God, Instead.

Consider these definitions:

Religion is an institution established by man for various reasons. Exert control; instil morality, stroke egos, or whatever it does. Yet still I wonder why organized, structured religions all but remove God from the equation. You confess your sins to a clergy member, go to elaborate churches to worship, you are told what to pray and when to pray it. What to eat and what not to drink. All those factors remove you from God.

Spirituality is born in a person and develops in the person. It may be kick started by a religion, or it may be kick started by a revelation. Spirituality extends to all facets of a person’s life. Spirituality is chosen while religion is often times forced. Being spiritual to me is more important and better than being religious.

True spirituality is something that is found deep within oneself. It is your way of loving, accepting and relating to the world and people around you. It cannot be found in a church or by believing in a certain way.

Consider the following in favour of the spiritual path:

There is not one religion, but hundreds; there is only one type of spirituality.

Religion is for those who want to continue rituals and the formality, spirituality is for those who want to reach the Spiritual Ascent without dogmas.

Religion is for those who are asleep; spirituality is for those who are awake

Religion is for those that require guidance from others; spirituality is for those that lend ears to their inner voice.

Religion has a dogmatic and unquestionable assembly of rules that need to be followed without question. Spirituality invites you to reason it all, to question it all and to decide your actions and assume the consequences

Religion threatens and terrifies. Spirituality gives you inner peace.

Religion speaks of sin and of fault. Spirituality encourages “living in the present” and not to feel remorse for that which has already passed. Its about lifting your spirit Babo (Smiley face). Learning from errors.

Religion represses humanity, and returns us to a false paradigm. Spirituality transcends it all and makes you true to yourself.

Religion is instilled from childhood, like the soup you do not you want to take. Like the days we used to go to Sunday school but I really wanted to know what was going on in the youth mass. Or the wazazi’z mass.

Spirituality is the food that you seek, that satisfies you and is pleasant to the senses.

Religion is not God. Spirituality is infinite consciousness and all that is – It is God. Like the feeling of Gods true presence. The acknowledgment and the acceptance that he exists and that there are certain things we cannot really explain

Religion invents. Spirituality discovers

Religion does not investigate and does not question. Spirituality questions everything

Religion is based on humanity, an organization with rules. Spirituality is DIVINE, WITHOUT rules.

Religion is cause for division. Spirituality is cause for union. Like house. Like making merry and singing and dancing to a joyous song. And accepting that there is something above us that we should respect, but respect in a qualified sense. Respect in a sense that does not lead to fear.

Religion seeks you so that you create. Spirituality causes you to seek.

Religion continues the teachings of a sacred book. Spirituality seeks the sacredness in all the books. Including this one.

As I said, religion is fed fear. Spirituality is fed confidence. Faith. Hope. Trust.

Religion lives you in your thoughts. Spirituality lives in your conscience.

Religion is in charge of the “to do”. Spirituality is in charge of the “to BE”

Religion is a dialectic. Spirituality is logic.

Religion feeds the ego. Spirituality makes you transcend. It encourages you to become the bigger person.

Religion makes you renounce yourself to the world. Don’t eat this. Don’t drink that. Spirituality makes you live with God, not to renounce Him. I have never seemed a God so angry because you took four cans of beer to relax, full of self control and happiness at the same time, and you passed out.

Fizzey Drenks

Religion is adoration. Spirituality is meditation. Not that am saying it’s wrong to adore, but hey…

Religion is to continue adapting to the psychology of a template. Spirituality is individuality.

Religion dreams of glory and paradise. Spirituality makes you live it here and now.

Religion lives in the past and in the future. Spirituality lives in the present, in the here and now

Religion lives in the confinement of your memory. Spirituality is LIBERTY in AWARENESS.

Religion believes in the eternal life. Spirituality makes you conscious of all that is.

Religion gives you promises for the after-life. Spirituality gives you the light to find God in your inner self, in this life, in the present, in the here and the now…

Religion and denomination are too dividing and they’ve caused too many wars, – too many massacres and genocides. I say, believe in God, instead. – Babo.

I am not religious. I am spiritual.

And for Babo, who inspired me to come up with this, may peace, happiness and universal love continue growing in your heart.

You are All That Is.

24

I have recently turned 24. Quite a big birthday, I think. I am now the same age Tabu Ley Rochereau Bel was when he wrote (arguably) all his best songs.  I’m the same age Madilu System and Pedro Dele left TPOK Jazz for greener pastures. But most importantly, it marks the middle of supposedly the best decade of my life.

So I feel a bit like I’m on day seven of a two week holiday.

Or half-way through a great party. Here I stand, slap-bang in the middle of it all and I have to remind myself I’ve only got half and another 20 plus years left. So it’s time to make sure I drink up the free bar of my life, as it were.

I’ve also realised this means that I have now been dating (I prefer to say, seeing chics) for ten years. I had my first girlfriend when I was in nursery – Her name was Diana and she was HOT! So this game of love, this endless cycle of flirting, dating, break ups, make ups, heart ache and mistakes — I’ve been a player in it for lets give it ten years.

Ten years experience is good.

So, on this, the eve of my 24^th birthday, I give you everything I have learnt so far.

The five girls who gave me their numbers on Sunday November 10th gave me more than their numbers and am just tired!

1. A good relationship is one where you take turns to be the parent for each other. A bad one is when this is unbalanced. Partners should both need each other equally, at different times, for different reasons.
2. Of course a first date should not be an activity. Don’t make it complicated. You should only ever be eating, drinking, talking or making out French styles etc on a first date.
3. The perineum is not just a mountain range between France and Spain.
4. In a relationship, the woman will always integrate into the man’s life more easily than he does into hers. I have never seen it happen the other way round. She’ll go to all his friends’ birthdays, she’ll do the group holidays and she’ll befriend all his friend’s girlfriends. It shouldn’t be because she finds the integration process more enjoyable than he does. She should just find it easier.
5. If you really like someone, you really should not have sex with them on the first date. Sorry. I know. Annoying.
6. The greatest, filthiest, nastiest, most exciting sex you will ever have will be with someone you’re in love with. Sorry. I know. Boring.
7. If you are having doubts about your relationship — this is the litmus test: Imagine you can go into a room, press a red button and it’s all over. No break up conversation, no guilt, no tears, you just press the button and it’s done. If that were an option, would you do it? Yes? Then you need to break up with them now. Its good to be real.
8. Moving in with your partner too soon is relationship anthrax. Leave it for as long as possible.
9. You should have sex with as many people as you want, but you should always be careful with their heart, your heart and contraceptive methods.
10. Mischief is what ties a couple together. Lust inevitably fades, mischief will be thrilling forever. Have cruel nicknames, get pissed, go on adventures, break rules. The couple that pranks together, stays together.
11. Being single is a gift. It’s incredibly freeing and almost always not forever. Use the time to get really, really happy with yourself. Don’t use it to run around chasing love. Don’t be Schupid!
12. You will only meet someone truly great when they find you at your best. Being “oh so saved” will never work.
13. The bit about breakups they never warn you of is how many things that end other than the relationship. You’ll lose friends, you won’t be able to listen to certain albums anymore and there are places you’ll never want to visit again. Memory association is the fuck-tonne of salt poured into the wound of a break-up.
14. You will nearly always fall for the person you didn’t think was your type. Haiya!
15. If women fake orgasms it’s nearly always because they’ll feel guilty if they don’t. Too bad I am proud fo certain things, you know…
16. If women fake orgasms, they’ll stop a few years after having sex.
17. A woman doesn’t always orgasm.
18. The most irritating feeling in the whole, entire world is when your drunk and you girl is not and you’re talking loudly to a group of people.
19. Intimacy is amazing. Eating Chicken Inn Chips and Chicken together in your underwear is amazing. Familiarising yourself with every millimetre of someone’s naked body is wonderful. So is wearing their holey jumper that smells like them. (Margaritaville the fucking spelling…) So, proper intimacy is not something to be afraid of — it’s fucking amazing.
20. Over familiarity is not amazing. Do not for a second think sitting in front of the TV in silence is intimacy. Or farting without saying sorry. Taking each other for granted is not intimacy. It’s absolutely ridiculous!
21. There is no such thing as a boob guy or a leg guy or an ass guy. Men love naked women, fullstop. Dont take that literally.
22. Love can disappear for no reason other than people growing up and changing.
23. Most petty rows can be resolved with a quick, giggly shag in Reinsurance Plaza/Barclays Plaza/etc loos.
24. Men get off on visuals in a way that women don’t. So to my guys out there, keep your dick photos to yourself, it does absolutely nothing for her. It’s just like sending her a photo of a chair or a shelving unit.
25. The worst thing to hear when you’re being dumped is that the person doesn’t fancy you anymore.
26. Break ups get easier as you get older. The first time you get dumped will be the worst it ever gets. You’ll feel as lost as a little kid, wondering how you’re ever going to put yourself back together and re-learn everything.
27. A relationship is meant to be quite easy. It’s not meant to be all shouty, teary histrionics; there is no fun to be hard in this. It’s meant to mainly just be a joy.
28. Flirting is a load of old nonsense. Take a look at the first texts you exchanged in your current relationship. Meaningless, silly, nonsensical, round-about, inconsequential, embarrassing blabber about nothing.
29. But, yeah, it’s important.
30. There is no feeling more wonderful than when you first fall in love. And as corny as it is, there’s no bloody avoiding it. You think you’ve felt all the feelings possible and then it hits you — bam — a brand new one. Like suddenly experiencing hunger or lust or jealousy for the first time — there is love. It rampages through your entire body, awakening every cell and fibre as it goes. It turns you into a raving lunatic. You’ll notice the beautiful way the sun falls and the blossomy smell of the air. You’ll want to be just excellent to everyone. You’d happily empty your pockets and give it to anyone who needs it. You’ll wonder why anyone ever gets bothered about anything if they know this feeling exists. And suddenly you know everything will always be fine because you know, somewhere, this feeling exists.

There you go. Everything I know about love. I will report back with more in the next ten years.

For the Girl who works for Bar Clays, Premium.

There is no greater GIFT in this world than knowing that you make somebody else PROFOUNDLY happy. This is especially following the fact that you have a deep seated ATTACHMENT towards them.

It doesn’t matter that, sometimes, I feel terribly but inevitably sad. You cannot feel happy all the time.

…because some of the time, it has to be a cold and freezing July, and you have to mentally unpack a crate of crushing problems, some old, some new, all ugly.

Sometimes all that matters is that they’re them and you’re you!
Mischief is what ties a couple together. Lust inevitably fades, mischief will be thrilling forever. Have cruel nicknames, get pissed, go on adventures, break rules.
The couple that pranks together, stays together.

People who make you happy sometimes make you sad.

We are all human beings. And being humans hard! I know it’s very easy for you to keep a smile but that does not mean you always have to keep it with me; I want it sometimes to be a little bit bad so that I can value the good. I want you to be angry just a bit, simply so it doesn’t get boring, just so you remember all those other times that I made you happy. AND LONG FOR THEM. And realize that however angry or disappointed I may sometimes make you, it’s only me who can take that madness away.

The dominant feeling, in a very careful proposition MY LADY, is that

IT’S ALWAYS HAPPY; even though SOMETIMES IT MAY BE SAD.

These realities DO NOT mean, that I am gonna stop TRYING. Not at all, not even EVER! To grow, I have to be ready to try everything that seems to be of meaning to me and every new experience it will bring will add something to my personal character. That’s why we are human beings and human beings try.  I know. It’s a long shot to maintain a continuous feeling of happiness, and there cannot be a genuine happiness without love. For me, that love requires the existence of YOU! As such, insofar as it implies, you are, to me, an essential element of happiness.

I love that I make you happy… I want the entire world to know that I do.

I will always make an effort to try.

And as I may sit down in a hutch chair and launch into a spoken tour of a world of woes, the girl of my dreams REASSURINGLY by my side, leisurely caressing the back of my hand, or just looking at me in a way that makes me realise that she REALLY ACTUALLY UNDERSTANDS, nothing takes away the madness ABSOLUTELY.

I love you baybe!

Another 67 pages of Loose Scribblings.

If it may please you, my Lady,

Maybe am trying to win you back even though you’re already here

 

Today I thought that instead of buying the Mercedes Benz 200 (1989) AMG, perhaps I should just go with the Toyota Mark X (People call it the Mark X but actually, it is the Mark 10).

You asked me on and on, whether I can afford it, and definitely yes, I can afford it. Not the Toyota but the Mercedes. I believe I can afford it, and I think that affording it is relative.

Besides, they are both good cars.

But how do you start talking about cars and beliefs and 10’s and X’s and end up talking about love? A phenomenon curiously interesting and important enough to examine further!

The masterly story is told about a young boy they called him Joseph (Hoze’, Yusuf, Yosef). And the stories have oft been told of him, of who he was – a boy who would dream. Big dreams! Dreams that his father and eleven brothers wouldn’t even imagine, but all the same, the boy still went on to dream. Of one day being a ruler, even after he lived amongst a modest family. Such dreams of him ruling over eleven tribes and so on and so forth.

Another 67 pages of loose scribbling’s, and to the depth of it , did he not become ruler? Did his brothers not bow down before him?

There is nothing that beats the heaven out of BELIEVING.

This must please you, my Lady,

With characteristic humility, I have abandoned the 11 brothers’ argument n favour of the less far reaching theory advocated by others that if ambition and opportunity spin us off in every direction, traditions and dreams reel us back to where we came from so we can see how we have grown and where exactly we want to BE.

So along the same line, I am really bad at explaining why I made the choices I made.

And of my change of fortunes, I just haven’t had time to focus on them. I did focus a bit on the criticism and thought most of it, UNFAIR. To survive, you have to learn to feel NOTHING. So I don’t think I made mistakes on major decisions; I have done the RIGHT things.

He raised the partition so that the driver wouldn’t hear

 

I believe I am being HONEST, and a straight shooter, and in other words, a person who does what he says he will do. I have done that, and I will do even more. I believe, that is what has made you feel HOPEFUL, and even in your core uncertainty, I want to believe that I INSPIRE your APPRECIATION.

Again, one of my greatest achievements is that I won you over while respecting your INTELLIGENCE and your PERSONALITY. I once did claim, falsely, not for audacity so much as truth through hilarity, that those two years were a peace of cake however EFFORTLESSLY ROUGH they were.  Nevertheless, I was SOLID on the big stuff. I don’t want to think that I don’t DESERVE you. I don’t want you to make me feel that I don’t DESERVE you. BECAUSE I DO!

Even when a grey Karen sky frowns outside your bedroom window!

We go further in these reflections; it is not the size of a man or the size of a man’s dick, but the size of a man’s heart that counts.

You can have anything you want in this world, ANYTHING! Just not all of it at the same time!

MY LOVE . . .

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